The Playdate Diaries

Trying to stay sane in my 2-kid world…

If you’re one of the childless few… October 16, 2007

Filed under: ranting lunatic — L.Gonzalez @ 10:16 am
Tags: , , , ,

…you may have noticed that every single mom has a secret code language – a creative form of communication specifically tailored to their individual child(ren). Even within the same parental structure, the secret language is special, unique, and varied amongst siblings. Don’t believe me?

Let’s look at the word “baba” for example. Some parent-child structures would use this term to mean “milk” or “bottle”. But, you will find that “baba” can also mean “pacifier”, “baby”, a sound a sheep makes, or whatever else the child might want to dub the term of “baba”.

Why the quick lesson? Well, because it leads me to my main point of today’s post…

I have NO clue what the hell most kids are talking about half the time. I would love to know what they’re talking about, might even understand half of what they’re saying, but that’s only because I’m a mother now. Let me tell you that when I was single and presented with a human of the little kind, I had absolutely NO clue what to do with “it”. I understand various words in the german and french language. I can decipher anything italian if it’s said slowly enough… hell, I can even understand my dog barking better than a child with the “secret language”.

So anyway, since you were all single at one point or another in your life, maybe you understand this whole phenomena as much as I do. I mean, what the hell is little Billy Bob talking about “I want dinty!”. Or Mary Sue asking for her “weeble-wop”. WHAT?! This is why the ‘mother’ is the world’s best known spectacle. Isn’t that why everyone seems to stare at us like we beat our children whenever they open their mouths to scream or throw a tantrum? It’s the same when our child speaks.

The truth of the matter is that most childless people have NO clue what your child is talking about – or why they are talking to them for that matter. It’s always so amazing to see a mom say… “Oh, you want your diaper changed, a bottle, and a nap?” after their child comments it’s time for “dinty”.

So anyway single people… contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t always this care-free and nonchalant about having children. I mean, I’ve always wanted children – ever since I was a little girl playing with dolls I knew one day I’d have my own sweet, wonderful, perfect little angels. That didn’t mean I knew what to do with a little human in front of me screaming bloody murder for “dinty”. I’d get all panicked and start naming the only 3 things I knew a child could possibly want out of life… “You want food? You hungry? Diaper? Are you dirty? Where’s your mom?”

I was the single person who never knew what to say to your child. I quite literally felt the same as if I had been standing at a middle school dance with the guys all standing on one side and the girls across the room. You shuffle your feet… look blankly across the room… wonder when and if someone’s going to come claim you (or in this case, the child in front of you)… you’re nervous… you don’t know what to say… you’re basically a big pile of mush just waiting to be herded off to another corner of the room.

So yes, I emphatize with you childless few who have to listen to my toddler screaming bloody murder for his “yoyo” and you have no clue that he’s not actually talking about a toy. All I can say is that one day you’ll just know. For now, you have to put up with these secret languages only a mother can understand.

By the way, I was also known as “Mrs. Get your Child away from me”, “Mrs. What in the world is he talking about?”, “Mrs. Talk to all kids 5 and under like if they were idiots because there’s NO possible way a little person like that can really comprehend what I’m saying”, and most important of all… “Mrs. If you’ve got kids there’s NO chance I’m dating you”. *sigh* Oh, how ignorant I was…

 

“Mother” – The 8th Wonder of the World October 3, 2007

First of all, SHHHHHHHHHHHH… I’m hiding from the kids and husband right now – don’t you dare tell them where I am!

…so tell me, do you have kids? Do you enjoy the self-mutilation as much as I do? Sometimes I wonder what happened to me. Was I somehow demoted for bad behaviour? Why does my new title of “mom” all of a sudden come with no pay, over-extended work hours, manual labor, and an almost endless supply of cleaning products? I feel like a mix between a janitor and ‘that crazy bag lady’. Ok, leaning more towards the crazy bag lady, but whatever…

I wonder… am I a bad mother for letting my nearly 3-months old “cry it out” while I sneak into the bathroom for a 2-minute personal potty break and cold-water splash all over my face? Why do both my sons always notice I’m either about to change or feed the other son and take that as cue to start crying bloody-murder? And you know the cry I’m referring to. The one they’d probably do if you accidentally left them on top of your car and were about to enter a 100-mile per hour freeway. 

So anyway, I always feel like if I’m pleasing one of my kids, the other one is either crying or potentially at risk of killing himself because he’s alone and unattended. Does anyone else feel this way? Is it officially time to call social services on me?

For the past two days I’ve been in stay-at-home-mom HELL. Who knew an almost 3-foot tall toddler and a baby the size of a large sack of potatoes could leave me feeling like if I’ve just been beat up – and then run over by a bus. By the time 5pm comes around, I’m ready to curl up into a fetal position, stick my thumb in my mouth, and start rocking back and forth like a lunatic. Incoherent mumbling and spaced-out stare included.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just ‘order in’ a babysitter for the day… and then reality hits and I can imagine one of my two sons tied up to a chair with duct tape or something when I get home. I wouldn’t blame the sitter… I’d praise her for being so smart. How come I didn’t think of that? And is there any more duct tape left or do I have to run out to walmart real quick? But seriously. I don’t know if I can trust just any ol’ babysitter. From personal experience, I know for a fact you have to be in at least a runner’s physical condition in order to take care of a kid. It’s true… forget the babysitter training and personal references, you put down that you’re a runner by profession and I’ll hire ya’. I mean, who else will be better able to chase down my kids in a moment’s notice right?

So yea, I kid you not, staying at home and taking care of these two lil’ men every single day is serious business. I feel like I’ve been selected for the next casting of ‘survivor’, only I’m the only one who’s actually playing. Vote me off, vote me off, OMG, will someone vote me off please?

And another thing… does this “job” come with a clause that says I am, in fact, allowed to turn on the tv and/or vcr without having to officially watch my son’s favorite movie, ‘Disney Cars’, for the billionth time that day? I mean, I’m past the point of annoyance. I’ve actually started to enjoy watching this movie over and over again with my toddler. I’ve begun to ponder the mysteries of life by watching this movie. I mean, seriously, does McQueen notice he would have won the Piston Cup had he gone into the pit for tires during the movie intro? Why doesn’t Mack notice when he loses McQueen? How do ‘Cars’ make babies? Did any other parent notice the bad language from ‘Peterbilt’ – and the little “cute” poem from McQueen’s sponsors? (Winter is a grand ol’ time. Of this there are no ‘if’s’ or ‘buts’ – but remember – all that salt & grime can rust your bolts & freeze your —) What about the “my brother’s always lit” innuendo? Why is it that during half the movie, you can see reflections off windshields, but throughout the other half, you can’t? Why do ‘Cars’ have tongues? How do they hold items if they only have tires as hands? What is the actual ending… and how come I always miss it no matter how many times I play the movie? And for God’s sake, WHY does that darn minivan have a mattress on top if ‘Cars’ don’t sleep on mattresses? Is that some sort of movie-error I’ve uncovered?

So yea, mothers are the 8th Wonder of the World… I mean, who else can do all this stuff and not lose their mind to mush? Sometimes I’m so incoherent that other people look at me like I’m either ditzy or officially nuts. The simple truth is that there are a billion thoughts running through my mind at any given moment of the day and you just think I have ADD since my attention span is that of a peanut.

Did I turn off the stove? Did I feed the dogs? Where are my red earrings? Where’s that darn pacifier? Do I have an appointment tommorrow or is it next week? Did I pay the light bill? What size is baby #2 again? Does my husband work tommorrow? Am I forgetting something? Buy milk – write that down or you’ll forget… *blank stare* What did this person in front of me just ask me? Do I know this person? Oh, it’s Sally from the playdate group. Hi Sally… or did I already say hi? What was the question again? Where did I leave my child?

*sigh* …a mother’s job is never done… there’s my toddler pounding at the door. I guess it’s time to come out from hiding… *whispers* …if I’m not back in two days or less, call the cops…