Ok seriously. Do the people who plan these parks even have kids? This park had more escape routes for our kids than the actual number of kids we had there! …ok, so I’m exaggerating, but come on! Sometimes I wonder if I’m being filmed on some hidden camera show (and I used to LOVE reality tv… tsk tsk) where the sick, twisted host is plotting and laughing how to make the mom’s life more miserable.
“Ha! Mom #5’s kid has just found the hole we cut in the fence. Let’s see how long it takes her to figure out her child has gone AWOL. Meanwhile, let’s zoom back into Mom #3’s little girl Theresa to see if she’s still playing in the fire-ant pile by the sandbox…”
I’ve come to the realization that playdates are a sick, sadistic joke on unsuspecting parents. Where else do you go to ‘meet other moms and make new friends’ when all you end up doing is chasing after your – and sadly – someone else’s kid? I’ve never believed in those ‘kid leashes’ but they’re becoming more and more appealing… I wonder if I can get them to match my wardrobe?
OMG, and speaking of wardrobe… WHEN does the t-shirt wearing and flip-flops start? I try so hard to dress cute (as cute as a 65lbs overweight mom can dress) and end up with the same ‘outfit’ protocol each time I step out the door. Here’s my mental checklist:
1. Let hair dry on the way to playdate so it will be dry and bouncy by the time we get there.
REALITY CHECK: upon arriving at the pladate, end up fumbling through the diaper bag, my purse, and possibly the glove compartment and under the passenger seat for a hair tie. …where the hell does it go?
2. Wear a top that covers my breasts so I can bend down to pick up Victor and play with him without falling out of my top.
REALITY CHECK: …how the hell do my boobs end up hanging out of a turtle neck? hm.
3. Take water, preferably already ice-cold, snacks, and extra change of clothes for the kids “just in case”.
REALITY CHECK: Oh shit – I forgot the water… um, is this clothes dirty from the last playdate? What’s it still doin’ in here? WHERE is the snack cup? Did it fall under the car seat when we swerved off the road as I was getting the toy VIctor threw… again?
4. Bathe both kids and get them dressed all cute in color-matching clothes, shoes, and accessories.
REALITY CHECK: Is this shirt clean? Great, his pants are all wrinkled! Victor, WHERE are your shoes?! *go to throw out a diaper and find them in the trash can after searching the whole house and officially ‘giving up’.* Well, I guess I can bathe them after the playdate… they’re going to sweat anyway…
5. Feed both kids so they won’t be as hungry at the playdate and we dont’ have to end up buying something extra.
REALITY CHECK: Whoever invented the ‘drive-thru’ is a God-send! It must of been a woman who was running late with the kids…
6. And speaking of late… head out early so we won’t be late getting to the playdate.
REALITY CHECK: …oh hey guys! Sorry I’m 45 minutes late!
oh the sweet torture of it all… but you know something? I still wouldn’t trade all of this craziness with my chunkie monkeys for anything else out there…